hidden window

whatever.our assignment for literature class was to divide a bond paper into four squares.the squares stand for four different windows:
1. OPEN window - know to you; and known to others
2. BLIND window - known to others; unknown to you
3. HIDDEN window - known to you; unknown to others
4. CLOSED window - unknown to you; unknown to others

i planned on not passing, but i ended up doing it anyway.i guess, because i saw everyone doing theirs.i only filled up the OPEN window and let my friends fill in the BLIND window.for the HIDDEN window, i wrote:

"yoko po.may mga bagay kasi na hindi na kelangan malaman ng mga tao tungkol sakin.akala nila kilala na nila ako pero hindi pa talaga.pero okei na sakin yung ganito.ayoko ng malaman nila, ayoko ng magbago ang tingin nila sakin."

i just hope the teacher respects my decision not to write in that window..and then..some students shared in front of the class..
and then, one of my closest friends did too.and i knew..i knew..na ako ang pinapatamaan niya.

eugs: yung ineexpect mo pag pasok mo ganun parin, pero hindi pala. tapos parang ikaw na lang yung tanga na nagho-hold on dun sa friendship niyo..

ako din naman eh..4th yr didn't turn out the way i expected it to be..i thought, having her as a classmate again after 2 years..wow.yay.i'm with one of my closest friends again!woo.i thought it was easy to balance the barkada and her.but i guess i thought wrong.i should have known it was all too good to be easy.i didn't mean to hurt her--if i did.and i think i did. but i want her to know that i'm hurt also..because she never seems to open up anymore..nakakapanghinayang lang naman. i'll talk to her. but not now. give her time to think, to cool off, time to adjust. i don't want to lose our friendship..

we may not be as close now as we were during our freshie year, but. yung mga pinagdaanan namin, yung mga napag-usapan namin, iba yun eh. she's definitely one of those friends na hindi ko malilimutan..

eugs, ako din. iba yung nangyari sa inexpect ko.. at vinavalue ko din naman friendship natin.sana alam mo yun bes. =D

love for a song

aryan and i were listening to a very old song last friday:Ocean Avenue by Yellowcard.it's a pretty upbeat song but we both agreed that "it's a sad song." listen to the lyrics, listen to the way he sings. no matter now fast a song is, it can be classified as sad. and that's one of the reasons why i like Ocean Avenue.

i like a song because of:

1. the beat - i don't like slow love songs. i like bouncy songs, fast and upbeat songs. songs with a really great sound. that when you sing them, you feel great. ang sarap magwala. examples: The Suffering by Coheed and Cambria, Almost by Bowling for Soup and Basketcase by Green Day.

2. the lyrics - no matter how great the beat is.. if the lyrics suck, the song sucks too. The lyrics of Alanis are really amazing. they stick to your mind, and aryan said na lagi daw may pinapatamaan. some songs are.. parang pinilit lang isulat. but some songs come from the soul and the lyrics show just that. i also like songs that tell a story, like Teenage Dirtbag by Wheatus. songs with funny lyrics also have a great impact on me, like Almost by Bowling for Soup. meanwhile, A Day Late by Anberlin is a song many people can relate to. the lyrics of Coheed are unpredictable..listen to A Favor House Atlantic, for example.

3. the way the vocalist sings - this is the reason why we defined Ocean Avenue as a sad song. listen to it well. the way the vocalist sings.. you can feel the emotions. Green Day's Billie Joe Armstrong used to sing that way too--you could see how he feels just by listening to him sing.now, he sings differently.wala na maxadong soul. The vocalist of Taking Back Sunday, Adam Lazara, really has a great impact on me. their songs are fast, upbeat, but his voice, no matter how loud, has another effect. sad, na parang nanghihinayang na ewan.


songs that completed all three requirements for me:
1. Time of Your Life by Green Day
2. A Day Late by Anberlin
3. You're so Last Summer by Taking Back Sunday
4. Dammit by Blink 182
5. Teenage Dirtbag by Wheatus
(click the titles of the songs to look at the lyrics)

lookie: PATTY CARS KEVIN ARYAN MICO

the silver pixie

the silver pixie is baaaack!

surprised? so am i. i missed the old layout--the layout that somehow explained the blog url.
why silverpixietears? well, silver because i like that color. it's unique, yet simple; attention grabbing at hindi nakakasawa. pixie because i am fascinated with fairies, nymphs, and especially pixies. for me, they carry some sort of magic with them. also, in the play Peter Pan, a pixie was present in the world where children never grow up.

i dunno. now, i associate pixies to not growing up.

and finally, why tears? because crying is something i do in private. ask the people in school--they never see me cry. they don't know what goes on in my head. they see me as a happy go lucky girl, someone who always smiles.

yet, like everyone, i also know how to cry.

and so.. the silver pixie cries too.she carries joy, but deep down inside, she cries too.just like everybody else.. and she wishes she'd never have to grow up.

people think i'm so strong

i can't believe i went straight home. i just needed some time alone from school and the things happening there. of the things happening to me. but actually, everyone in my batch may know who i am, may have laughed with me, or talked to me, but they don't really know who i am. people who read my blog may know me more than some of my batchmates will ever do.

some friends and i were playing a game of truth or truth yesterday using c2 bottles, since we had a 2 1/2 hour break. and a conversation suddenly started between us.

zeus: si reg? hindi ko pa nakikitang seryoso.
irish: kasi iba yung reg na nakikita niyo sa school.iba yan sa bahay.
ME: oo..konti lang ang may kilala talaga sa akin.
joepau: kilala ka naman naming lahat ah?
ME: ha?hinde. akala niyo lang. pero ang dami niyo pang di alam tungkol sakin.

funny. i'd rather have it that way. that they know me as someone who's always happy and who always makes people laugh. yet i hate it when they think i'm not serious and i don't think about.. stuff. coz i do. and i may know more than some of them. because i've experienced a lot of things that not everyone has.

i have always been able to control my feelings in school. yet today, i was ready to break down. i'm such a stupid girl. i was ready to break down, but not in school. so i went home. saang story ba yun? yung may line na "so i went home and cried." me? i went home.

but i didn't cry.

omg.remember my post dati sa sugarriot? when i laugh, i can't stop. when i cry, i can't stop. bakit ngayon--nahihirapan narin ako umiyak?

worst feelings

ever felt..

..the feeling when you're in a jeepney and you can't sit comfortably. plus, you can't get your money.

..the feeling when you're at home but you're being ignored.

..the feeling when you know your work was great but it wasn't good enough for someone.so she just had to change it.

..the feeling when you know you're better than someone in a particular field but you can't replace that person because that person has the neccessary materials.

..the feeling when you wake up in the morning and look in front of the mirror and you realize that you have a huge pimple.

..the feeling when you lie down at about 12 am in bed but you know you won't be able to sleep until 2 am.

..the feeling when you know something is right, but you just don't want to do it.

..the feeling when everything is crashing--your life, and your computer, as well as your cellphone.

..the feeling when you know how to end the problem but you don't know how to start the solution? (yes, i'm talking about trigonometry.)

..the feeling when you've realized that you married your mother and killed your father. (Oedipus Rex, for Literature Class)

..the feeling when you want something so badly, and you can have it so easily, but a small something hinders you from getting it.

..the feeling when you think you've turned into a bad person and you should turn back into a good one. yet you don't want to.

..the feeling when you realize you can't talk decently to someone anymore. just because that someone doesn't think at all.

..the feeling when you know people think you don't take things seriously. but you do. and that's what hurts most.

respect is dead

i really like the word respect.it means a lot to me.obviously, since i want to be respected.i mean, let's face it. everyone wants respect. and everyone needs to learn how to respect others. okay, fine. confession: sometimes i totally disrespect my granparents, but that's only because they also totally disrespect me and my father. no matter how young, how old, we all deserve respect.

sabi ng class shirt ng mahogany2005-2006: R E S P E T O

our batch wants to be respected by the freshmen and lowerclassmen. i sincerely believe we deserve that respect. the one obvious reason is : we're the seniors. duh? hehe.anu ba yan? but this post is not only about the respect our batch is looking for. this post is about respect, and respect itself. especially respect for the dead.

yup.respect for the dead.

it's my mother's 6th death anniversary today but we celebrated it last night.we woke up early today to visit her grave. i still don't know why people visit graves when there's an occasion but it's okay for me. i mean, she is my mother after all. sabi ng mga matatanda: just to pay respect daw. we just planned to leave some flowers in the mausoleum (anu ba spelling nun?).

so imagine our surprise when we reached mama's grave and found the gates wide open and the tiles broken, and the flowers gone. the padlock and chains were also gone. this sort of thing happens occasionally in most cemteries. people who have nothing else to do with their damn lives trash the graves of the people living 6 feet underground.they sell the chains and the plastic flowers that the relatives of the dead leave there. but why break the tiles? you can't sell broken tiles. was it done for fun?

or maybe it was revenge for the caretaker of mama's grave. aling linda, the caretaker really cleaned it yesterday because she knew it was mama's death anniversary.so she was surprised when she saw the place today. she then revealed to us that the other caretakers in the cemetery are her rivals. the others don't want aling linda to care for some of the graves. the others think that only they have the right to care for the mausoleums. (sori kung mali ung spelling..)

what if they were the ones who did it? anu bang napala nila sa pagsira ng grave ng isang patay na babae? wala. they did it to piss off aling linda, but we were the ones who got affected. we were the ones who felt disrespected.

oo, alam kong patay na ang nanay ko.pero ibig bang sabihin na hindi mo na pwedeng iagalang ang isang patay na nilalang? porke't ba she's 6 feet under na?

R E S P E T O

PLUGGERS: PATTY CARS ARYAN

guy bonding

kakagaling ko lang ng area 51-ang "bahay" ng mga batchmates ko na lalake. dito sila naglalaro ng dota, gunbound, o2jam, counterstrike.. at kumakain din sila dito, nagchacharge ng cellphone at nagkwekwentuhan. ewan ko ba..pero kanina,parang iba yung tingin ko sa area.hindi lang basta computer shop.. parang ito na rin yung nagsisilbing bonding ng mga lalake.

guy bonding.you'll rarely see guys talking in corners and crying.i mean, yes, i know guys cry, but i think they try not to show their emotions in public places.i mean, it's like this. you'll see a girl crying more times than you'll see a guy crying. when girls fight, there's a lot of backstabbing and parinigan and things can get really nasty. someone told me that when guys fight, they just punch each other and then everything's okay. if that's true, it's one of the reasons i envy guys so much.

guy cliques.obviously, there are different cliques in school.in one corner, the jocks. in the other corner, the nerds, and so on.. pero nakita ko na may one thing in common sa kanila: their love for computer games. kaya sa area 51, lahat sila magkakasundo. lahat sila magkakalaro. setting aside of differences ata. ewan.hindi naman ako lalake eh!


BLOOPERS kanina sa area51:
*kinukulit namin ni irish yung mga naglalaro at nakikilaro na rin kami.
*napatay ako ng isang character named megaman at nagsisisigaw ako kung sino siya kasi akala ko batchmate. hindi pala. nyaaaak.
*ininterrupt ang paglalaro ko ng isang tao at nung sabi nya okei na, bigla akong nabaril.damn.

isa pang tanong na matagal na matagal ko ng pinagiisipan: ano ba talaga ang pinaguusapan ng mga lalake sa banyo nila?

PLUGGERS: MICO KEVIN KUYA RON

gambling

italy won.france lost.

i got 50 pesos from ian and 25 pesos from icks.

aaah.gambling.more commonly known as pakikipagpustahan.commonly done in school.
advantages?
well.it helps us improve our grades. "pataasan!mas mababa manlilibre!"
or not. "pababaan!yung mas mababa may bente!"

i won't deny that gambling is wrong.it's also prohibited in our school and in any other school, i'm sure. but why do we keep doing it? maybe because we know it's wrong. mas may thrill daw pag ginagawa mo yung mali tapos di ka nahuhuli.

example.most parents don't allow their kids to drink alcoholic beverages. so naturally, those kids are really exhilarated when they drink alcohol without being caught. "ui nakainom ako!astig!no sweat nga eh!" unfortunately, i don't find that much thrill in drinking alcohol because my dad lets me. (oo.may future daw ako as tanggero.joke!)

sometimes i think the thrill is the reason why kids shoplift, or even steal. yun bang sa initiation?pag di sila nahuli iisipin nila ang galing galing nila. nakatatak na daw kasi sa generation ngayon na bad = cool.

i admit i curse.A LOT.i know it's wrong.so why don't i stop?
people in school curse.they also gamble.and everyone lies at least once in a while.and we all know it's wrong.so why don't we stop?

i dunno.
go figure.

PLUGGERS: FIFI CARS ARYAN

double drill day

"be tough." that's what i kept on saying to myself this day since we had a double drill day sa CAT. "no matter what, don't fall out.show them you're tough."

"tough times never last but tough people do," a book states. CAT is only for a year but the need to be tough will last till i die. people say i'm strong..because i always smile,i always crack jokes and i act as if i don't give a damn to problems.but i do, and you know it. someone asked me how i can still appear happy outside. my answer? i don't really know. but i like making people happy. and that makes me happy too.

"..but i wonder if you also appear happy in your grandparents' house," someone told me. no i dont. i'm the complete opposite of who i am in school. because, as aryan said, at home, i don't need to appear strong. maybe she's right. there's no one in this house that i need to be strong for. so why try to appear strong?

at school, there're a million reasons why. i don't need other people to see me crying in some corner although that happened a few times already when i couldn't take it anymore.. i dont want them to know every single detail about my life.

cellphone quote: it's easier to smile than explain to people who will never understand."

but it's also sweet to explain to people who don't understand but they try and they want to. now those are friends!

ayokong magpapansin sa mga tao sa school.. okei na sakin na ang may alam lang ng life story ko ay ang mga taong malapit sakin. the others? they need not know.

after all.. would they care?

PLUGGER: FIFI

"naulan ng mga lab layp"

this day has been too dramatic.

first i shared my "hard candy" story to ihsa and eugenia.sandra and irish will know about it tomorrow.hard candy daw sabi ni ihsa dahil pwede siyang ipadala sa candy magazine.but that story, my hard candy story was and still is something that i can't easily share to just anyone.it's something so.. different.

until today, only aryan knew about my hard candy story and that's because something happened to make me tell her.and i trust her so much too.then i told myself, "i'll tell this to the barkada one time.. maybe when they have boyfriends na." but that changed after i told ihsa and eugs.maybe i should tell the barkada because they're my friends..

i thought this could be a secret that only i will know.i guess i was wrong.maybe i told them the story because i had already let go..i want to forget it already.but it felt so hard telling them.but after i told them i felt great.. i'm glad i let them know.

and then i got to talk to some of my classmates last year and they all seem to have problems..more or less about their love lives..

quoted by ihsa kanina: "bakit ba naulan ng mga lalake ngaun?" LOLZ.

bakit nagkasabay sabay ang mga pag-unlad/pag-fade ng mga love life ng mga tao?is it because we're older?seniors na?did that have something to do with it?DAMN.we're growing up.